Divorcing while having children together is no easy task, but throwing in the fact they’re a narcissist makes it all that much worse. It may be part of the reason for your separation in the first place, but having to think about continuing communication and working with them can be extremely daunting and stressful. You may not know the first thing on how to coparent with a narcissist. But the good news is that there is a way through this!
This article delves into the journey of how to co parent with a narcissist successfully.
Table of Contents
What is a Narcissist?
What is a narcissistic parent? Narcissistic Personality Disorder is described as a form of disturbance that manifests as a lack of empathy, entitlement, sense of grandiosity, feeling powerful, and exaggerated self-importance. Narcissists have difficulty experiencing defeat, criticism, and indifference and do not accept these common situations as truthful or justified.
When knowing how to coparent with a narcissist, it’s crucial to know that they will likely become full of rage when they feel like their authority is being questioned or challenged. They’ll try to prove the other person wrong and discredit them. Narcissists seek out the admiration of others but often only to help others feel validated and more important than others. This is especially challenging with children around as they tend to be an easy target for feeding a narcissist’s validation.
14 Rules for Co Parenting With a Narcissist
When it comes to parenting with narcissist exes and being a good co parent you need to put your child first. Having their best interest in mind can help keep a clear perspective and make it easier to make good choices.
Below are crucial tips on making co-parenting with a narcissist easier:
1. Always Prioritize Modeling Good Behavior
Although you may have gotten out of the relationship, your kids don’t have a choice in who their father is. A tip when learning how to coparent with a narcissist is before you respond to your ex, make sure to have your kids in mind, as this can help you model good behavior in handling a narcissist baby daddy by prioritizing how you react and nurturing your children’s abilities to handle their narcissistic co parent.
2. Know the Difference Between Co Parenting and Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting is when there is little contact, meaning parenting styles will differ as there isn’t an open line of communication to discuss parenting techniques. This can offer some needed space from your ex, but it is also an insight into how things will likely be. This is because it can be challenging to follow conventional co parenting methods when dealing with a narcissist. Knowing this can help you manage realistic expectations and be prepared for hurdles. When understanding how to coparent with a narcissist it’s important to keep this in mind.
3. Avoid Bad-mouthing or Being Passive-aggressive
Your main objective is to help your child be able to cope with narcissistic co-parent behavior. However, mad-mouthing their other parent can make your child hesitant to come to you with any problems involving them. It’s important to let them express their emotions and experiences with their narcissistic coparent and validate their feelings without interfering with their outlook on the parent.
4. Find Professionals and a Support System
On this journey of how to coparent with a narcissist, a great way to help your kids through this time is to have someone they can trust and vent to besides you. This includes professionals such as therapists and a support system involving loved ones. Often, children in these situations feel like they are overburdening one or both of their parents with their many understandable concerns. It’s good for a child to feel supported and heard during this time. They can also assist you to co parent with narcissist behavior better.
5. Keep Kids Out of Conflict at All Costs
A narcissistic parent will try to manipulate children and often use them as pawns to gain leverage [Talkspace]. Because of this, it is crucial to ensure that when conflict arises, you stay calm and level-headed in front of your children. If possible, try to avoid them seeing or hearing these stressful moments. Staying neutral and keeping your kids out of heated situations is an effective way to co parenting with a narcissist ex.
6. Let Your Kids Make Their Own Opinion
Although it is your job as a parent to teach your child about life, it doesn’t mean they need to know every detail about narcissism. Even if you’re learning how to coparent with a narcissist. When you repeatedly label your ex or constantly blame or refer to their narcissism, it can make it difficult for your child to form their own opinion and relationship with their parent. As they get older, they will be able to see the two different personalities and come to their own conclusion.
7. Don’t Pity Your Children
It is not easy knowing how to deal with a narcissistic parent, but it’s not the end of the world. Showing your child that they should be pitied can make them feel disempowered. It should be the opposite if you have a narcissistic baby daddy; they should learn coping skills, self-awareness, and confidence and know what red flags to look out for in their future spouses.
8. Implement a Detailed Parenting Plan
Getting things organized in advance and having a set of rules can help keep boundaries and make coparenting with a narcissist smoother. Making things up as you go along or having a loose plan can leave plenty of wiggle room for them to try to take control.
9. Parenting App and Calendar
Using a parenting app while narcissist co parenting can keep your ex up to date with dates and events by not having to directly communicate with them constantly. A parenting app such as Family Wizard can help keep track of school holidays, doctor appointments, and other important occasions. This is also a great accountability, which is a bonus when parenting with a narcissist husband.
10. Do Not Emotionally Engage
Most likely, they know exactly how to get under your skin, such as it is common for a narcissist using child to control you, but it is critical to remember to limit your emotional vulnerability with them. During this time, you may still be sad, angry, or heartbroken, but showing them exactly how you feel will give them a chance to use it against you. Avoid giving your ex any ammo to use for manipulation, stay calm and neutral, and remember narcissists commonly use emotions as a control tactic.
11. Remember, They Likely Won’t Change
You may have had some epiphanies and have been working hard on yourself, but this doesn’t mean your ex is doing the same. One of the most crucial things to note when knowing how to coparent with a narcissist is don’t expect a narcissist ever to change. You may have longed for it in the relationship, but it’s important to stop doing so after the separation. Always stay on your toes and be skeptical of any claims that they may make about being better or different. Showboating is in a narcissist’s nature, so they will want to make you believe that they are well off.
12. Remember the BIFF Rule
When having a child with a narcissist, it can be tricky and overwhelming to communicate effectively, so it’s best always to remember the BIFF rule.
Keep communication:
- Brief
- Informative
- Friendly
- Firm
13. Be Prepared to See Them
It is best not to just go with the flow or wing it when you see your ex, as not having a game plan can make you regress into old habits you may have had while in the relationship. But you are not that person anymore. Instead, run scenarios through your head, think of signs you are co parenting with a narcissist, how you will respond, and what you’ll do if things become tense. It’s also good to visualize that your kids are watching, as it helps you make better decisions and stick to them.
14. It’s Not Your Fault
Narcissistic coparenting can make you feel like many things that go wrong are your fault because they tell you so [British Psychological Society]. You probably found yourself apologizing time and time again for things that weren’t even because of you or out of your control. Stop apologizing and feeling sorry; the fact is, a narcissist coparent will always put the blame on someone else and see you as in the wrong. This is an important step when learning how to co-parent with a narcissist.
Conclusion: How to Coparent with a Narcissist
When it comes to sharing custody with a narcissist, it can be incredibly tricky, but with the right mindset and tools, you can do this. Narcissism comes with an array of difficult characteristics, and it can undoubtedly affect children, which is why it is crucial for other parents to make sure their kids are safe, healthy, and happy and not affected negatively during the time.
Below are some helpful resources to guide you on this journey:
- Effective Co-Parenting or Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist: https://amzn.to/4fUmzAH
- Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: https://amzn.to/4fObhxG
- Breaking Free From a Narcissistic Co-Parent: https://amzn.to/3UWTr3o
- Co-Parenting Planner: https://amzn.to/3Z8iEdU
